When I think about my wedding, when I imagine it, I’m on a beach barefoot and grinning. I’ve thought about what beach and who I want to be there, I’ve got the image down to squishing the sand between my toes but I cannot summon the image of a dress. I have no idea what I want to wear. You see, I have a dress, a wonderfully sexy and beautiful dress that I bought months ago. I have it in green too; it’s been dubbed ‘the hot dress’ because it is. I had to have it because I believed that I was beautiful when I saw my reflection, it was a clear moment where I understood what M’s always saying. So when I found out that the white ones were half price at my favourite plus-sized boutique, I had to have it.
“We’ll dye it black and it’ll be perfect!” I exclaimed. M was less enthusiastic, but we had a look anyway. M sat on a chair in the fitting room when I put it on and, while white isn’t my colour and having seen me in the dress before it wasn’t a surprise, there was an unmistakable smirk, “That could be your wedding dress.” We giggled softly, bought the dress, hid it in the back of the closet and didn’t talk about it for weeks. When we did finally look at it again, we discovered that it couldn’t be dyed, as it’s not 100% cotton, and back it went into the closet.
The dress was bought before there was a wedding to go to, but now there is one and I’m really struggling with whether I want to wear it. It’s perfect, it’s fits and it looks amazing, it’s white and feminine and not too formal, it’s comfortable and it means that I don’t have to spend any time in expensive, intimidating bridal shops trying on dresses that don’t fit.
I’m sure I’ll end up wearing it and it’ll be lovely. I guess I just thought buying a wedding dress might be more of a big deal. But this whole thing has got me thinking about how difficult it is to find people who understand about the dress and other seemingly trivial wedding details. Maybe my mum or my sister would care, but they don’t understand about the delicate balance that I’m trying to find between girly and gross!