I’ve been out of town for work so things have been a little slow around here. Finally home though after driving through the wilds of northern BC. It’s really beautiful up there, but I’m not ready to live somewhere that has one road going in and out, a rec centre and a Saan. I missed everything from traffic and seagulls to fresh vegetables. I had to eat salad for dinner last night because I felt like my insides were covered in grease!

Just before I left, in the middle of packing, M and I came up with a ceremony plan. We’ve both been so scared of this bit, neither of us is big into talking in front of large groups of people and we’re also prone to weeping when we talk about love.

We’ve asked a beloved friend to officiate the wedding and though she’s a lawyer, she can’t ‘officially’ do it, she has agreed to ask the important questions and let us kiss at the end. Having barbara perform the ceremony was very important to both of us so we decided to get the legal stuff sorted separately from the wedding. This makes it so we can have someone we love up there with us rather than a stranger. In Canada, you can’t just ask your friend to get ordained online and get up there with you, apparently it’s not legally binding! I’m sure we’ll manage this way.

Welcome (barbara)
Reading (friend)
All about love (general stuff, barbara)
Promises (us)
Reading (friend)
All about love (specific stuff, barbara)
Exchange of rings (we’re going to use some of Derek Powazek’s words – Ariel’s idea – as well as a lovely tradition mentioned in Dan Savage’s book)
Kissing!

After we figured out it wouldn’t be that much talking, we both calmed down. I like it, everything we want to express and to show, with a little help from our friends. Speaking of.. If there are any people out there, I would love to see some of your favourite readings, sayings, stories etc. This wedding business is tough, sharing ideas is the only way we’ll all get through it!

It appears from the posts that I’ve taken some time off, and I suppose that’s true. I had been documenting my experiences in a word file and I just got around to uploading everything today.

So, here we go. It’s May and many things are changing. We’re getting the apartment ready to sell which has thrown it into a constant state of chaos. I can’t imagine it being tidy enough for an open house, I can’t see the top of the kitchen table and one of the counters is outside on the porch! Renovations are tedious (but oh so worth it).

I’m trying to get into school and found out on Monday that I’m on a wait list. This is no end of frustrating, but I’m trying to roll with it. I was told that last year everyone on the list was accepted. Let’s hope that’s going to happen again, shall we?

My brother and his wife had a baby on Tuesday May 1st. Welcome to the world Felix! It’s mad here, but I’m sure you’ll have a great time. Your dad approaches the world laughing with his whole heart and your maman is so full of love. You’ve got it made.

But the wedding? Well, we haven’t done much about it in the past few months. I keep wanting to buy shoes, but we don’t have a date yet so that feels premature. I fall in love with invitations and venues but we’ve got nothing confirmed and I have to pull away. We’re going to see Ariel read from her book tomorrow night. Maybe that will help with the inspiration we need?

We went to speak to Michael Dean last weekend, to get some ideas about what our wedding bands might look like and it was great. He seems like a nice guy who really wants us to get what we want. M worked with him to design my engagement ring and now we want to wedding bands to compliment it. My ring is different from any ring I’ve ever seen, M had something specific in mind and Michael helped that happen. Now we want to make sure the band M wears is similar. He’s easy to talk to and understands my vague descriptions of what I want. The fact that his studio’s on Granville Island doesn’t hurt either, I love it there.

I got M a ring on Friday. We’re calling it a ‘placeholder’. It cost less than $20 and it’s not that nice, it’s not ugly, but it’s plain and silver and we got it at the ferry terminal. I feel strange about it, that she put so much thought into the ring I wear on my finger and we chose hers in a flurry before we caught a ferry. It looks great though, every time I see it I smirk. It helps to remind me of all the things M works every day to ensure I don’t forget.

In other news, I think I want to wear a veil. I’ve was inspired after seeing this post on Offbeat Bride. It’s not the poofy horrible thing I always imagine veils are and she looks lovely. In her comments, she does admit to removing it after two songs, but I think it’s looks lovely.

By the way, Offbeat Bride rocks my world! I haven’t read Ariel’s book yet, but it does seem to be the right kind of book from a perspective that won’t get me all upset. Besides, I like Ariel’s style and irreverence, her pink braids and her obsession with documenting lunch.

I had a horrible dream the other day. M and I were getting married in my old high school’s Multi Purpose Room (multi purpose indeed!). M wasn’t really happy about plans to walk down the aisle with my parents and so wandered ahead. I figured M would stop at our makeshift alter, but instead kept on walking, into the chairs set up and proceeded to remove articles of clothing. To be honest it was just trousers, but in my dream it was the height of transgression! How dare you remove your clothing at our wedding! I was furious and stomped over there trying to convince my betrothed to put on what I saw as required clothing, and marry me. M kept resisting, standing there, hands on hips, refusing to give in. I woke up before it ended, but I was quite upset. I turned to M and immediately demanded a promise that trousers would be worn for the ENTIRE duration of our wedding ceremony and reception!

So much has changed at this point. The wedding won’t be this year, mostly because of other people and because we’ve shifted our priorities. I want to go back to school, we want to sell the apartment and we really want our families to be there. Flying to Canada is too much of a financial burden for most of M’s family at this point. Scotland is very far away.

I often miss thinking that I’m getting married this year. I see lovely invitations, beautiful venues and brilliant ideas for ceremonies but I don’t need them with the same immediacy as I did three months ago. Now I try to remember them, put them in a file or let M know I like it, hoping that in the telling, I’ll remember.

In the shifting, the theme has moved from fall to spring, from gingko to tea party and from now to what feels like never. It makes me sad and it makes things so much easier.

We spent an hour inside our venue of choice last week, dreaming and scheming about what we think the day should look like. About half way through I flip-flopped and decided I wanted to have the reception somewhere else. It seems so much nicer, so sophisticated and lovely and we wouldn’t have to worry about a caterer and all that if we were there because it’s a restaurant.

When I think about my wedding, when I imagine it, I’m on a beach barefoot and grinning. I’ve thought about what beach and who I want to be there, I’ve got the image down to squishing the sand between my toes but I cannot summon the image of a dress. I have no idea what I want to wear. You see, I have a dress, a wonderfully sexy and beautiful dress that I bought months ago. I have it in green too; it’s been dubbed ‘the hot dress’ because it is. I had to have it because I believed that I was beautiful when I saw my reflection, it was a clear moment where I understood what M’s always saying. So when I found out that the white ones were half price at my favourite plus-sized boutique, I had to have it.

“We’ll dye it black and it’ll be perfect!” I exclaimed. M was less enthusiastic, but we had a look anyway. M sat on a chair in the fitting room when I put it on and, while white isn’t my colour and having seen me in the dress before it wasn’t a surprise, there was an unmistakable smirk, “That could be your wedding dress.” We giggled softly, bought the dress, hid it in the back of the closet and didn’t talk about it for weeks. When we did finally look at it again, we discovered that it couldn’t be dyed, as it’s not 100% cotton, and back it went into the closet.

The dress was bought before there was a wedding to go to, but now there is one and I’m really struggling with whether I want to wear it. It’s perfect, it’s fits and it looks amazing, it’s white and feminine and not too formal, it’s comfortable and it means that I don’t have to spend any time in expensive, intimidating bridal shops trying on dresses that don’t fit.

I’m sure I’ll end up wearing it and it’ll be lovely. I guess I just thought buying a wedding dress might be more of a big deal. But this whole thing has got me thinking about how difficult it is to find people who understand about the dress and other seemingly trivial wedding details. Maybe my mum or my sister would care, but they don’t understand about the delicate balance that I’m trying to find between girly and gross!

I ran around in the rain today picking gingko leaves up off the ground! It was pouring and windy, but it didn’t matter. M and I have decided on a wedding motif (ooh a motif!) or just some kind of theme or symbol to tie things together. The gingko leaf has always meant a lot to M and when I saw a very expensive invite here I thought it would be just perfect for us.

I’ve been engaged for three weeks in and am trying to plan a wedding. Do I want to wear a poofy white wedding dress? Do I care about high heels and sand or flower girls and the best man? Questions like this come up all the time; we’re constantly trying to tease answers out of each other. Coming to consensus has been challenging on some things, and wonderfully easy on others.

We spent the weekend with my mum. We looked at two possible venues while still considering our first choice. The hotel was lovely, all warmth and organization. The event planner had her speech prepared and presented everything very efficiently. She was friendly and warm and answered all of our questions. But she seemed packaged and I felt trapped. M threatened to run away and my mum’s Chardonnay disappeared very quickly. First it was the efficiency, it came across as cold. Then there was the ‘bride and groom’ comment, all part of the pre-packaged speech, but M was clearly standing there and we were very open about the fact that it was US getting married and not some absent ‘groom’. Then there was me, the tightness I started feeling in my chest, the feeling that I was trying to drive the wrong way on a busy one-way street. We decided against the hotel. But we drank the free booze with pleasure!

Choosing between a formal evening wedding and a casual afternoon tea wedding didn’t become difficult until we saw the Sequoia Grill. The view is breathtaking and the room is beautiful. It’s just steps from where we plan to exchange our vows and they would handle everything. It’s perfect. But is it perfect for us? We lay in bed the other night and had to create a pro/con list to help! For everything the Sequoia Grill has, it isn’t us. I would panic that things weren’t perfect and feel like I should be on my best behaviour. I’m sure the food would be great, and the staff well trained, but it changes the tone. It moves from afternoon to evening from casual to formal and, really, from us to them. This isn’t the place for our wedding, but it certainly would be perfect for someone!

We’ve decided that Barclay Manor is the place; we’ll serve mini hamburgers and lovely quiches and get guests from Scotland to import Petit Fours and Battenberg Cake for nostalgia’s sake. I love this idea and want it to happen. We still have to contact the Manor to double check on rental prices and availability, but it’s nice to know we’ve decided on something!